On OCD and fucklists

Monday, 7 June 2010


When talking to folks who are really into travelling, you may have noticed that they occasionally become a bit OCD in the documenting of their trip; creating graphs and maps to work out the exact distance they had travelled, photographing themselves sternly standing in front of every 'Welcome to...' sign, collecting a fridge magnet from every country that they visit, creating post-journey scrapbooks, mostly comprised of pictures of cathedrals, that nobody but themselves could possibly be interested in.

I like the enthusiasm and contentment of these acts of geekery, although I can't say that I've ever fully indulged in them myself.

I'm going to let you in on my own freakish little secret, though.

 You know how nerdy nomads switch the verb 'to go' (I went to India) with the verb 'to do' (I did India)? Well I've been making a list of all the nations I've 'done' in my little red moleskin, except that I mean it quite literally
I never told anybody this until a a few weeks ago, when I realised that my Swedish friend Alex had a fucklist too.
And his puts mine to shame.

"So far I've done 86 girls of 24 different nationalities", he told me on facebook chat.
"The last 10 nationalities have been since I moved to England", (Alex is a Couchsurfing host in Manchester), "but I'm annoyed that I've yet to do an English girl on English territory... hopefully that will happen this summer before I leave".
Alex then kindly sent me a spreadsheet which lists the nationalities by order of highest quantity. From Swedish (35), to Thai (14) all the way down to Austrian (1), taking in Indonesia, South Korea, Finland, Russia and Kenya on the way.

So delighted I was to find somebody as meticulously deranged as myself, that I compiled my own computerised list and send it straight to Alex.
"Hmm, you've done a few countries that I haven't got to yet", he mused "what was Turkey like?".

So, why do we do it? Is the list a trophy, a point of pride? Are we attempting to assimilate a cocktail of STDs so lethal that it becomes a weapon of mass destruction? Has anybody ever managed to shag a woman from all of the world's 185 countries? Does somebody with dual nationality count as two countries? And what possible use does the collection serve? Do we publish the list when we reach 100 nations, and receive a certificate from the UN? Is it a required criteria for anyone applying for Foreign Secretary posts? Has William Hague barebacked his way around the world? Is Hilary Clinton even more promiscuous than her husband? Has she given Berlusconi a blowjob? HAS she???

Without delving too deep into my twisted psychosis, I'd say that it was a similar phenomenon to most 'collections', be they collections of stamps, magazines, porcelain dolls or multi-ethnic vag. The collection is simply a mathematical figure which allows one to tangibly prove the statements 'I've got everything under control' and ' Hey! Look at me! I've LIVED!!!'

I guess the lovelist is also similar to other collections in that there are 'rare items' lusted after by most connoisseurs of crotch.

So if you know any girls from Fiji, or Liechtenstein, or Bhutan, or the Seychelles... let me know.

2 comments:

Olivin said...

I have the same list. Name, date, location, nationality.

Alexander said...

Haha, you've outed my list. Bastid. It's 90 from 25 countries now, by the way.