Bangkok at night with Ladytron

Saturday, 17 September 2011

I met an old friend at a bar which sits in the shadow of a Bangkok Sky Train station.

"You're gonna love it here man, if you're a young farang then you're like a fucking rock star. I've been with 47 girls since i've been here - 45 of them were Thai. Around 4 of them were ladyboys but I was too drunk to care by the time I noticed."
 His shirt was tucked into his jeans. Not many people can pull that off. 
"Did they have a cock?"
He grimaced.
"Yeah, but I just did them from behind. Most of the Kathoeys are pretty hot, actually. Except one of them stole my fucking iPod. She forced me into a taxi when I was drunk, my friends tried to stop me but I was too wasted and just wanted to take a girl home. I passed out when I got in, and when I woke up it was gone."
"Drinks seem really expensive here compared to food... you must have spent quite a lot to get that drunk."
"Not really, I'd been drinking Lao Khao rice whiskey - it's really cheap and it really fucks you up. Motorbike taxi drivers drink it with Red Bull."

An hour later, we were sat drinking it on upturned bottle crates outside a Sukhumvit convenience store. Ladytron was going to take me to the official Manchester United bar to watch the midweek European game with Benfica, and wanted to get 'buzzed up' on cheap booze beforehand.
"Rio Ferdinand was here with the Premier League trophy a few weeks ago. The United bar itself is ok but there's no atmosphere for the games."
A Thai lady passed, gazing at us. Ladytron cooed towards her in Thai. She scowled and walked faster.
" Three things I miss about England - watching United in the pub, good music and intelligent conversation."
I took a gulp of my Lao Khao and red bull. It tasted like sweetened petrol.
"Hurry up and drink it, you pussy."

We sat through the game, the only atmopshere coming when Benfica scored the first goal, and Ladytron roared with approval, mistaking Benfica's red shirts for United's home kit. A few middle aged English men turned towards us, nonplussed, before turning back to their bored Thai wives.
We jumped in a taxi, headed to Spicy club where all the 'Farang-loving' girls hang out.
"I would take you to the model bar," said Ladytron, "but I'm banned from there until I walk around all the staff and say sorry for what I did."
"What did you do?"
"Look at those girls!"
The taxi had stopped at a red light on the main road. It was raining, hard. As steam rose up from the hot road it glowed red in all the brake lights.
In the lane to our left was a night bus, upon which two pretty Thai girls (who turned out to be at least 31) were smiling and pointing at us.
I waved at them. They waved back. I heard the sound of a car door open before realising that Ladytron had leapt out onto the road and was dodging motorbikes, on his way to the bus. The girls opened the bus window, allowng rain to sweep into the faces of their fellow passengers, and he handed his 'business card' (English teacher/ Model/ Actor) through it.
"We go to Spicy. You come with us, ok? You call me and come."
Our taxi driver cackled with delight, as the cab filled up with exhaust fumes through the open door.

The girls arrived at the club only a few minutes after we did. We shared some drinks and played a few games of pool. There were almost no Thai men in the room - only scantily dressed Thai women and white men. Ladytron indicated which of the girls he wished to make love to by wrapping his arms around her and dry-humping her as she tried to hit the cue ball. Her smile, which seemed to glow permenantly from her face, grew in size, revealing her large front teeth.
"He a bad man," laughed the dark-eyed girl I was sat next to. "You a good man, you did buy us drinks."
The four of us were back at his 'Condo' (apartment) by around 5am.
The girls' first reaction was to sniff the air disapprovingly, set down their handbags and begin to clean; emptying ashtrays, wiping surfaces, sweeping the floor and the likes.
I looked at Ladytron, perplexed.
"It's normal", he said, hardly looking up from his computer.
He put on some House music, lit a joint and humped his way around the room behind the girls.
His ladyfriend grimaced as smoke went into her face. "Hey!"
"You don't like smoke? What's the problem? If everyone smokes, it's not a problem."
The girls laid out the cushions neatly on the couch, patted them and made him sit down whilst they finished cleaning. He changed the song and turned to me.
"There's three prostitutes that live together in a flat downstairs. Last week I had two male couchsurfers staying, and we were playing loud music. They burst in through the door and said they were gonna suck all our dicks. They kept trying to make us shower beforehand though, they were fucking crazy."
The girls came and sat down on the couch, fussing over us, putting pillows behind our heads, rubbing our shoulders, making sure to sit below us, rather than above us.
They were from a small town in the north of Thailand, and had gone to school together. They would make jokes in Thai, laugh together and then accuse one of us of 'having girlfriend....yes!' before laughing again.
"Teaching English is really easy here as well," Ladytron told me. "Most of the time I just play Uno in class with them. Most Thai kids really respect their teachers... I had a really bitchy teenage girl in one of my classes once, and I ended up accidently throwing a marker pen at her face. She just sat there, crying quietly, and I thought I was gonna get into some serious shit. In the end, her parents came in and told me they wanted her to have private classes with me. I guess I can control her better than they can."

Eventually, Ladytron took his ladyfriend into the bedroom, locking the door behind them. A few seconds later there was a scraping sound, and we heard him bellow 'stop fucking cleaning!'
The other girl turned to me. "You have girlfriend, I know you don't want anything, you a good man."
"There is one thing I want."
Her dark eyes narrowed. "Wha?"
"You know how to do Thai massage?"