"Lesbian flour bath" & other odd google search terms that brought people to this site

Thursday, 30 August 2012

"Naked Limbo Dance"

Reading the information about your site provided by Google Analytics is both an enlightening and horrifying experience.
By far the most interesting part is a dissection of all the google search terms that have brought people to your blog.

The terms are listed in rank order, showing you how many people came to your site with that particular combination of words, and how much time they spent on the site, amongst other things.
When I logged into my google analytics account, I saw that the number one search term for this blog, of course, was "sam sherwood", but, other likely terms, such as "sam sherwood san francisco" and "samsherwood.co.uk" had been beaten to 2nd and 3rd place by two other terms: "breast suck" and "naked handstand" - taking people to this article on San Francisco's x-rated scavenger hunt.
Thus began my nightmarish foray into the private habits of internet users.

Still concerning the higher ranks of search terms that bring users here, we move through a number of niche subjects that I seem to have become a bit of a go-to expert on, namely "crab racing rules" and "caribbean pastimes", "falkland island conflict" and "argentina dirty war", "tattoo on your ass" and "cover up ass tattoo".
Other top 30 search terms include "photos of nosey bastards" and "midget with big head", wonderful images which I haven't really been able to provide, until now:

"Midget with big head"

It's when we reach the mucky dregs of search terms that things start getting interesting, and I've put these into categories for your viewing ease. All of these search terms are real, I didn't make any of them up - real life, as always, is much stranger than fiction.

Bold statements

436. I like inserting things up my arse
723. tits always the answer
847. shove my balls up my arse
323. left wing in argentina got what they deserve
411. some bastard has it in for me

"Tits always the answer"

The fullfilment of harrowing and/ or titillating mental images

205. naked apart from shoes
748. voodoo queen tits
964. swastika tattoo pussy
351. paedophile nude
187. pattaya girls feet
810. teen age girls humping pillows cushions
921. lesbian flour bath
760. naked limbo dance
500. baby breast milk sucked by father
507. raper is sucking boobs
611. demon eating humans
777. denim on denim

"Paedophile nude"
"Swastika tattoo pussy" (courtesy of poorcomics.tumblr.com)

Existential questions

344. what is a twatweasel?

Dark hints at strange sexual practices

781. his shots were hitting my ass
433. huge buttplug
551. sex fetish egg and flour
574. strapped down and tattooed
310. one legged prostitute
965. forced to wear braces fetish
288. put a stick up my arse
673. teen fuck electricity pylons
495. gun sex
912. hard ride to hell

Deviant information requests

772. getting arrested naked
842. where farang girls hang out in bangkok
429. shop in bangkok to fuck the girl
293. fucking thai pussy in san francisco
418. how to suck her breast
296. questions in immigration interview about farts
306. a festival in which the participants go naked

Incredibly specific pieces of information

567. gay muggings in cartagena, colombia
610. buddha's personal belongings
705. list of ladyboys i've fucked in bangkok

"Teen fuck electricity pylons"
"Buddha's personal belongings" (courtesy of poorcomics.tumblr.com)

Search terms I should be worried about

148. sam sherwood telephone number
209. where is sam sherwood
451. who likes sam sherwood
453. sam sherwood down's
455. sam sherwood death
566. sam sherood scarborough

Worried outpourings of the human condition

349. why am i feeling disenfranchised?
199. is a tattoo painful?
738. why you fuck my ass its pain hurts?
590. can i be arrested for money coming up missing at work?

If you want to help one of these googlers to realise their fantasies, please take or draw a picture, and send it to my email. I'll publish them at the bottom of this article.
Perhaps you have a very clear idea about what a "hard ride to hell" might look like. Maybe you know the guilty conscience who stole 5 dollars from the cash register at Burger King, and now sits awake at night, googling things like "can I be arrested for money coming up missing at work". Mayhap you witnessed a giggling gaggle of gays mugging someone in Colombia, and have a picture of them mincing off back to the hills. Maybe you once walked in on your housemate having a wild "flour & egg fetish" sex session, or you were lucky enough to see the tits of a voodoo queen and live to tell the tale.
If so, send in a picture so that next time, our readers can see exactly what they wish to see.