"Somebody KILL MEEEEEEEGGHH" |
In this age of globalisation, mass media and celeb worship, however, it's increasingly difficult to find yourself in possession of something genuinely rare, mysterious and engrossing. Despite this setback, I do have a curio collection of sorts. To qualify for the collection, items must:
A) Make you wonder why anybody would ever make such a thing
and
B) Make you wonder why anybody would ever buy such a thing.
And so, my friends, before you retire to your respective chambers for the evening, allow me to offer fodder for your nightmares and display this, my infamous Collection of Horrors:
Creepo the Clown
![]() |
"Don't worry, I'll keep watch whilst you sleep." |
If she'd asked me for £250 I would have paid it - it's a glorious find that doesn't make sense on any level whatsoever. The polished mahogany plaque would imply that it's a decorative item, whereas the clown's cold, maniacal glare and 'melting candle' neck suggests spook-house-accessory. But, the design is precise enough to have been mass-produced. The final enigma presents itself when you notice that he appears to have Goofy's mouth and to be wearing Little Miss Muffet's hat - was this meant to hang on the moonlit bedroom walls of sleepless young children?
None of those explanations hold up to much scrutiny, so my suspicion is that a portal to another dimension briefly opened up in Carlisle Mencap, giving this piece of perplexing shittery just enough time to crawl out and drop into a box of dusty Marillion LPs.
Slutty Piggy Bank
Unsurprisingly, this was found in Chelmsford, Essex. |
You say potato, I say rip-off
Microscopic chip-pan not included |
Groundhog Duck
![]() |
"The tag reads 'Eggbert and friends, by malcolm bowker'" |
Look into my eyes...
Child-snatchers have got it all wrong. You don't capture a kid's interest with vague promises of 'sweets' or 'puppies', you promise to let them gyrate back and forth upon the back of a moon-faced monstrosity - preferably one that's playing a stringless guitar under the influence of horse tranquilizer.
"Acrylic on teapot"
This was unearthed at a table-top clearance in Menaggio, Italy.
I'd guess that it's a portrait of Queen Elizabeth II, even if I can't recall a time that my noble Queen wore a coronet fashioned out of shattered glass, or a time when she briefly tried to emulate the hair and eyebrow chic of Noddy Holder. I'm also fairly certain that Her Majesty doesn't have razor-sharp piranha teeth, although it would admittedly give her that 'killer instinct' come pheasant season. But one could imagine quite a talented amateur artist making this, so I'm leaning towards this being an intentional, fantasy depiction of a Queen/ Orc lovechild:
Butcher's teddy bear
Ever wondered what a pig would look like if you sliced it open in the middle, folded its carcass and guts inside out and then sewed it back up again? The lucky child who receives this soft toy, handmade in Medellin, Colombia, need never wonder again.
Aryan cat pillow
Upon first glance it looks like a normal, overly-decorative frilly pillow, right? Look again.
He's a professor of Nazi eugenics, and she's a compulsive gardener, planting flowers here there and everywhere, determined to ignore the smell of charred fur that floats over her home from the nearby rabbit-rendering factory.
If you need more proof, check out the servile rabbit-slave in the bottom left of the picture. He gets to live, so long as he perpetually lugs flowers around for the 'master race' of fair-haired tom cats.
Beaten-wife stegosaurus
![]() |
"When he's drunk and violent he's not the real Steve Stegosaurus." |
'The heat is on'
![]() |
"Think I'm a nerd? A conformist? WRONG. Check out my flamey-flames tie." |
A question for the ages
Dalek-themed flower vase or ribbed glass dildo? Either way, try not to shatter it.
The heat is off
![]() |
"Oh dear, I seem to be so comfortable that I've had a stroke." |
You really shouldn't have bothered
"You weren't there when the greyhounds came, man, you weren't THERE." |
Thanks for reading. Sweet dreams.
--------------------------------------
For more satire, travel articles and micro-fiction, like Sam's facebook page, The Daily Guttersnipe.

2 comments:
As I started reading the article I was waiting for the moment I would see that fucking tie. Not disappointed.
I just rediscovered this and have been worrying by neighbours howling with laughter - the duck looks like Steve Buscemi though!
Comment on this...