The Collection of Horrors - Evil clowns and slutty piggy banks

Friday, 7 September 2012

"Somebody KILL MEEEEEEEGGHH"
I've always wanted to have a room dedicated to curios, relics and antiquities. Like a fusty old Victorian scholar, I could present them to my guests after dinner, before leading them back to the drawing room for a glass of brandy and a game of cribbage.

In this age of globalisation, mass media and celeb worship, however, it's increasingly difficult to find yourself in possession of something genuinely rare, mysterious and engrossing. Shrunken heads from the jungles of Borneo look frightfully passé when put next to Kelly Osbourne's autograph. Ornately jeweled Ottoman daggers are fuck all in comparison to the latest ipad.

Despite these setbacks, I do have a curio collection of sorts. To qualify for the collection, items must:

A) Make you wonder why anybody would ever make such a thing
and
B) Make you wonder why anybody would ever buy such a thing.

And so, my friends, before you retire to your respective chambers for the evening, allow me to offer fodder for your nightmares and display this, my infamous Collection of Horrors:

Creepo the Clown

"Don't worry, I'll keep watch whilst you sleep."
This was the item that started it all. One of my University classmates was trying to raise money for her degree show by auctioning off kewl stuff that she'd found in some charity shops. Before she'd even set the date of the auction I matched the reserve price of £2.50.
If she'd asked me for £250 I would have paid it - it's a glorious find that doesn't make sense on any level whatsoever. The polished mahogany plaque would imply that it's a decorative item, whereas the clown's cold, maniacal glare and 'melting candle' neck suggests spook-house-accessory. But, the design is precise enough to have been mass-produced. The final enigma presents itself when you notice that he appears to have Goofy's mouth and to be wearing Little Miss Muffet's hat - was this meant to hang on the moonlit bedroom walls of sleepless young children?
None of those explanations hold up to much scrutiny, so my suspicion is that a portal to another dimension briefly opened up in Carlisle Mencap, giving this piece of perplexing shittery just enough time to crawl out and drop into a box of dusty Marillion LPs.

Slutty Piggy Bank

Unsurprisingly, this was found in Chelmsford, Essex.
I love the coquettish, over-the-shoulder glance that this piggy bank gives you before you raid her innards for petty cash. It's like she's saying "Oh I'll let you inside big boy, but you'll have to buy me a bacardi breezer first. Lol."

You say potato, I say rip-off

Microscopic chip-pan not included
This dollhouse accessory is a set of six microscopic, plastic 'potatoes' that cost roughly the same amount as it would for you to buy six actual, edible potatoes and mail them first-class to Darfur.

Groundhog Duck
"The tag reads 'Eggbert and friends, by malcolm bowker'"
Don't you just love it when you're trying to poke a bogey down the back of the couch and you come across some loose change? And don't you just love it when you're rummaging through a Bournemouth charity shop and you find a small ceramic duck that looks exactly like Bill Murray?

Look into my eyes...
Child-snatchers have got it all wrong. You don't capture a kid's interest with vague promises of 'sweets' or 'puppies', you promise to let them gyrate back and forth upon the back of a moon-faced monstrosity - preferably one that's playing a stringless guitar under the influence of horse tranquilizer.
The owners of this shop wouldn't let me buy it, but you can probably fly to Panama City and back for less than the price of 400 plastic potatoes.

"Acrylic on teapot"
This was unearthed at a table-top clearance in Menaggio, Italy.
I'd guess that it's a portrait of Queen Elizabeth II, even if I can't recall a time that my noble Queen wore a coronet fashioned out of shattered glass, or a time when she briefly tried to emulate the hair and eyebrow chic of Noddy Holder. I'm also fairly certain that Her Majesty doesn't have razor-sharp piranha teeth, although it would admittedly give her that 'killer instinct' come pheasant season. But one could imagine quite a talented amateur artist making this, so I'm leaning towards this being an intentional, fantasy depiction of a Queen/ Orc lovechild:










Butcher's teddy bear



Ever wondered what a pig would look like if you sliced it open in the middle, folded its carcass and guts inside out and then sewed it back up again? The lucky child who receives this soft toy, handmade in Medellin, Colombia, need never wonder again.

Aryan cat pillow
Upon first glance it looks like a normal, overly-decorative frilly pillow, right? Look again.
He's a professor of Nazi eugenics, and she's a compulsive gardener, planting flowers here there and everywhere, determined to ignore the smell of charred fur that floats over her home from the nearby rabbit-rendering factory.
If you need more proof, check out the servile rabbit-slave in the bottom left of the picture. He gets to live, so long as he perpetually lugs flowers around for the 'master race' of fair-haired tom cats.

Beaten-wife stegosaurus
"When he's drunk and violent he's not the real Steve Stegosaurus."
Mrs Stegosaurus always dresses up nicely, even when she doesn't leave the house all day. By the time her husband gets back from the office, it's her job to have cleaned the house, picked up the Stegs from school and put dinner on the table. Woe betide her if he arrives home with a sore head and she doesn't look pretty as a picture - the only thing sharper than his tongue is that massive spike on his tail.

'The heat is on'

"Think I'm a nerd? A conformist? WRONG. Check out my flamey-flames tie."
I found this tie in a charity shop, too. Nice to know it contributed to a good cause after all of the weddings, funerals and court defence proceedings it ruined. I wouldn't classify this as a novelty tie, because it makes no attempt at being amusing. No. This, my friends, is the preserve of the computer technician who wears howling wolf and mystical dragon t-shirts in his day-to-day life. The kind of man who says "yeah, I'll come to your daughter's Christening, but I'll be expressing my dedication to warhammer gaming and general hot-roddery through my choice of neckwear."

A question for the ages

Dalek-themed flower vase or ribbed glass dildo? Either way, try not to shatter it.

The heat is off


"Oh dear, I seem to be so comfortable that I've had a stroke."
So you want to make money from ceramics, do ya? Well, which social demographic do you think has the most disposable income? That's right - lonely old widows. And what do lonely old widows like more than anything else? Right again! They like being proper comfy and warm. So let's make... a little fuckin'... mouse-type thing, lying in bed, with... with some slippers, yeah, and a big warm nightcap, and an extra duvet... and two big fluffy pillows, and... and... it should be eating a stick of butter for extra insulation.

You really shouldn't have bothered

"You weren't there when the greyhounds came, man, you weren't THERE."
My Grandmother once looked after someone else's kid for a week whilst they went on holiday. In return, they gave her this - a stuffed rabbit with the broad shoulders, bullish neck and 1000-yard stare of a squaddie that has 'seen action'.

Thanks for reading. Sweet dreams.

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For more satire, travel articles and micro-fiction, like Sam's facebook page, The Daily Guttersnipe.

2 comments:

Han Whitesides said...

As I started reading the article I was waiting for the moment I would see that fucking tie. Not disappointed.

John Wright said...

I just rediscovered this and have been worrying by neighbours howling with laughter - the duck looks like Steve Buscemi though!