Cameron's Mother Breaks Record for 'Longest Post-Natal Depression' - report

Saturday, 7 December 2013

David Cameron, pretending to drink a beer, yesterday.

Betty Cameron, long-suffering mother of UK Prime minister David, has spoken out today following her son's embarrassing attempt to score political credibility from the death of human rights figurehead Nelson Mandela.

"I'm so sorry", she began, struggling to fight back tears. "I knew there was something wrong with him as soon as I had him in my arms at St Bartholomew's Hospital. I mean, for a start, his face is actually bigger than his entire head. Have you noticed that? How is that even possible?"

Mrs Cameron went on to confess to reporters, assembled at her Hertfordshire mansion, the guilt and shame that she feels over her still-ambivalent relationship with the apple-cheeked politician.
"They say that you're supposed to love your youngest child the most, but that wasn't the case with me. I felt nothing but indifference towards him. If it were up to me I'd have given him away to Battersea Dogs Home or deposited him in a bottle bank, but then, what kind of mother would I have been?"

Observing the conflicting emotions of guilt and regret in Mrs Cameron's pained expression, it was clear to all in attendance that she has suffered much in the past 47 years.
"I tried to warm to him, I really did, but it was just impossible. And then when he grew up, it only got worse... watching the way that he used to shamefully ingratiate himself to his older brothers, before convincing his father to cut their allowance by 66% and deposit it into his own personal piggy bank. He explained to the boys that they needed to 'take responsibility' for improving the outdated facilities of our huge mansion, but later we found out that David and his friends were just planning to buy themselves luxurious, high-end Rock em' Sock em' robot toys."

As well as journalists, officials from Guinness World Records were in attendance to award Mrs Cameron the title of Longest Sufferer of Post-natal Depression - in recognition of her dubious achievement of suffering 47 years, 3 months and 20 days of offspring-related malaise.
"I'm happy to be given a world record," Mrs Cameron said as she accepted the honour, "But don't judge me too harshly for finding it difficult to love my son. Save your sympathy for the marginalised people who are having their social support and healthcare cut to pieces - the poor, the disabled, the young, the old, the immigrants and small business owners."

"Save your sympathy for the people who have to wake up in the morning and see my son on breakfast TV, spouting bollocks and trying to divert people from real issues with that terrible, terrible shit-eating grin of his," she continued, tears coming fast and heavy. "I should of smothered his massive face with a pillow whilst I had the chance."

"I don't usually swear, but once again, I really am so fucking sorry."

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