On Anti-Anglo-Saxonism

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

A Pro Israel rally, hastily organised in opposition to a November 2012 anti-war protest in San Francisco

Friends! Countrymen! Fellow Anglo-Saxons! Lend me your lugs for a moment, for I must inform you that we've missed a serious trick in our recent years of global imperialism!

Yes we had the guns, the bombs, the tactical know-how, the ability to propagate, to divide and conquer, but there's one advantage that we've missed - the ability to invade, occupy and plunder neighbouring countries - whilst making ourselves look like the victims!

And so, I gather you here today, to suggest that we add a new weapon to our arsenal by adding a new word to our language - Anti-Anglo-Saxonism!
"But what is Anti-Anglo-Saxonism?!", I hear you bellow, in your guttural Anglotones.

Why, the beauty of Anti-Anglo-Saxonism is that it can apply to anything we want it to! Think about it, my friends! Your Islamic neighbours ask you to keep the Dizstruxshon music down during Ramadan - Anti-Anglo-Saxonism! A local family react angrily when you scratch the words 'Pakki Bastad' onto their car bonnet - Anti-Anglo-Saxonism! Someone expresses a dislike of Morris Dancing - Anti-Anglo-Saxonism!

Of course, the word itself is not enough. Nothing worth having comes easy - and that's why we must lobby hard to put the word into popular consciousness. First we must figure out why we are victims, and, more importantly, why we always have been and always will be victims.
My friends! I will spare you the terrible details, but we haven't always been the proud, beautiful people that we are today! No, once upon a time, we were mere turnip-munching subjects of the brutal Norman Conquest! For centuries, we toiled and tilled the land for our Latinate overlords. We were turned into a snivelling fiefdom of feudal fuckwits and left, defenceless, to the mercy of Viking berserkers, who came over the sea to massacre us in our thousands! And, now that we're finally finding our feet on the world stage, our envious enemies would like nothing less than to see us reduced to cabbage-eating cretins once again!

"But we already know this!", you heckle. Yes, my fellow Saxons, but does the world know this? Have we used our considerable wealth to establish Saxon-genocide museums in all of the world's major cities? I know what you're thinking - there have been thousands of massacres throughout history, each as inexcusable as the last - but have we established ours as being the most famous? Have we won the hearts and minds, my friends?

"But why bother, when we possess superior military power?!" Listen, comrades, for you miss the main use of such a weapon! This word - this concept - the concept of Anti-Anglo-Saxonism, a concept which is indefinitely worse than your normal, everyday racism - why, it's a piece of military apparatus more sophisticated than any intricate flechette weapon or expensive phosphorus bomb! It's a mighty wooden horse upon which the most advanced mental gymnastics can be carried out! Don't you realise the potential of such an idea, comrades? We can occupy, we can bully, we can invade, we can detain, we can enforce, we can shoot and bomb and blow the shit out of men, women and children... completely guilt-free! Our imperialist attacks can be re-packaged as our 'protective edge'! Those boring, dry statistics that show a thousand dead enemy civilians against a handful of our own dead soldiers, they can be blown into irrelevancy by the use of our new, emotionally-charged phrase!
How? Why? Well, this world we stand in isn't a simple place, but if you'll indulge my arrogance for a moment longer, my friends - the more we attack our enemies, the more angry they will be. The angrier they react, the more Anti-Anglo-Saxon they will become, the more Anti-Anglo-Saxon they are, the more justified we are in our holy crusade! Blessed be the mental gymnastics, for they allow us to massacre in the name of former massacre victims!

Give a thought to my humble idea! The next time somebody criticizes Anglo-Germanic nations' involvement in the illegal Iraq war, or simply says something which paints our governments as being aggressors instead of victims, remember the phrase -

You don't care about human rights - you're just an Anti-Anglo-Saxon!


For more satire, travel articles and micro-fiction, like Sam's facebook page, The Daily Guttersnipe.

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